Suddenly I find myself smiling more. You see I was on this fast track to success and decided to get off or was I thrown off. No, I got off on my own. And looking back isn’t going to help me anymore, or so I have decided. And for whatever reason for the first time in my life I don’t have this fantasy future planned out for myself looming before me that I have to live out or die. Sure I have desires and dreams, but they don’t drive me crazy trying to make them happen anymore.
I am here now, happy or so it seems without reason. I am roommates with my ex-husband, a man I couldn’t wait to get away from 12 years ago. But we are friends at this point in our lives and both agree we make better friends than marital partners. However, he still says leaving him was the biggest mistake I ever made. But sometimes even mistakes are meant to be.
Anyway, happiness, I don’t quite now how to describe it. But it’s funny that it doesn’t mean making a lot of money, which I don’t right now. Funny it doesn’t mean having a lot of friends, because I don’t right now. Funny it doesn’t mean being in total shape and in the best of health, because I am not.
I’ve discovered happiness just is. I wake up and am not driven like I was before to change my whole life. I always woke up thinking I had to do something, had to change something, make something, plan something, because wherever I was wasn’t good enough.
Now, this moment is good enough. The sun isn’t shining. I don’t have a permanent job or a man in my life. And so what, who the hell cares. Life isn’t about having things. It’s about having peace of mind.
I know now that wherever I finally end up living, whatever I end up doing, it’s going to be okay. Life is going to be okay.
I suppose one could say I am drama free. I am more conscious of what is going on around me that’s for sure. Talk at work, or should I say gossip doesn’t bother me. I realize what people say to me is really about them, not me.
I realize that everyone’s expectations of me is about them, not me. And I don’t care anymore what others expect me to do. I am more aligned with Spirit and where life is leading me day by day. But am in no hurry to get there. Because “there” has been my source of unhappiness. There is no “there.” Right here is where it is at and truly all there is. If our thoughts are somewhere in the past or somewhere thinking of a grand future or fearing what is to come, we aren’t going to be happy.
I have read about this concept several times in new age books and understood it, but until I actually lived it, I couldn’t apply it in my own life. I was constantly looking for something out there in which to pin my happiness, when all along it was in the now moment. And in the now moment whatever is happening one must be happy. For happiness brings more happiness. Thinking that happiness is somewhere else in some other time that lies ahead, we say to ourselves “I am not happy now.”
Well, I am not saying that anymore. I am happy. Life is good right now and that’s all I need to know.
Peace and happiness to all.