It’s been more than two months since my hip replacement surgery, and I am now walking without the aid of a cane. Full recovery is expected within three to six months of the surgery.
Meanwhile, I’ve had a lot of downtime these past few months, but I hit the ground running after the surgery (well almost). I am volunteering at a local Food Bank to do their public relations. I also started writing a weekly inspirational column for the website Global Light Minds. I’ve also had time to hammer out the first five chapters of my book Following The Light – thanks in part to my editor friend Sue, who has been a constant source of inspiration and encouragement.
However, I’ve let go of trying to figure out where the Universe will take me next. Sometimes all the planning in the world will never get you what you think you want. During this mecca to find my purpose, my truth, I’ve often had to throw my hands in the air and say “not my will but yours God.”
I’ve also had to look at the darker sides of my being and honor them and then release them. Loaded with limiting beliefs that held me back, I was truly stuck and couldn’t find the path forward. I’ve knocked on doors only to find that no matter how hard I rapped they would remain closed to me. I scratched my head, cried in fear, called out to God in the darkness asking “why.” Only to find the answers didn’t come.
The voids are where I feel you do your best work on your soul. You have time to look in the mirror, because there are no outside influences being thrust upon you. You have to talk to yourself. You have to fall in love with all of you, the good, the bad and the ugly parts.
None of us are born perfect. No matter how we want to believe we are whole, parts of us remain in the past, parts of us are contemplating the future and parts of us we have yet to discover.
Sitting in the unknown zone for so long, I am now OK with not knowing. My plans have changed so much since I left the Northeast, that I can’t even remember how many times I’ve sat in bewilderment of what do I do next. I still make plans, but I detach from the outcome and I no longer put all my energy into a desired result.
It’s take a lot of courage to be remain detached, to wait, to not push and that’s what I had to do. My whole life I had grand plans and most of the time I strong-armed them into working out. But then here I was asking to live my truth. At the time, I thought I knew what that was, but it seems it was so deeply buried that it would take nearly two years of soul-searching to unearth it. Had I know this before I left, I am sure I would have stayed put and worked my nine-to-five public relations job in the city, did my three-hour commute daily and been satisfied in doing it. But that would have been a mistake, as we seldom are given enough insight to know failure will be our greatest teacher.
After leaving New York/New Jersey, I moved to New Mexico and nothing worked out. A full-time job never materialized, one of my roommates threatened me with violence and I didn’t find love. I lost my dignity and my shirt, so to speak and it took a long time to forgive myself for not being more prepared for the worst. I thought the magic carpet would be rolled out for me, since I was following my truth. Well truth isn’t what or where one might think it is, or so I have come to find.
The truth is we are human and we make mistakes, and life isn’t supposed to be a bed of roses. Life has drought times and harvest times, we have to learn to appreciate both. In the drought years, we look inside for nourishment in the harvest years we look outward. During the drought times, we find out the most about ourselves. During the harvest times, we find out most about how we interact with the world. Both are required. All the time we are healing, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
If we are lucky, we have more harvest times, but don’t expect them to last. We can’t exist in an eternal harvest. A farmer knows enough to let a field be idle for a year, because it can’t support continuous life. The soil needs to be nourished and to rest.
I believe its the same aspect that’s been happening to the economy. We experienced an over abundance and the Universe had to pull it back into perspective or so I think.
Drought times aren’t the most enjoyable, especially when you are ill prepared for them. But still they are necessary for soul development and for advancement, because whether or not we are conscious of it healing is taking place, changes are made and hopefully what emerges is a something better.
I don’t have all the answers. All I know is life is change and we need to enjoy and honor the transformational energies in both the harvest and drought periods.