It’s been over six months since my last blog entry and I find myself in a very different place, maybe not geographically, but spiritually and emotionally. I am on my own again, living in a one-bedroom apartment in Lafayette, LA. Although I made several attempts to leave here, for whatever reason the Universe has me staying put for awhile at least.
While I look out my bedroom window where my computer is situated, the rain is falling. It’s supposed to rain all day, but that’s ok with me. I am getting over a touch of bronchitis, so I have all the windows open and am enjoying the rain drops as they fall over the evergreen South Louisiana landscape. Plus the rain makes for a better crawfish season and I can’t wait to enjoy the tasty mud puppies again. Crawfish are only in season for a few months. You can get them all year long, but they taste best February through May.
Everything has its season even relationships; and as I sit here writing this blog, I release yet another lover, who for whatever reason did not work out. And although I will miss him, I truly believe it is for the best. He was an old flame that much like the last time we met burned brightly in the beginning but soon fizzled. I believe he was a soul mate, which I believe we have many in our lifetimes. Soul mates don’t always stick around. In fact, sometimes we learn more about ourselves in their departures.
In this relationship, being more conscious and a bit wiser, I finally was able to witness my abandonment issues as they unfolded. I realized I still had work to do on my painful childhood and finally put it to rest. Otherwise I would play out this scene with every subsequent lover who crossed my path. Preventing me from experiencing the love I truly deserve.
It isn’t easy finding fault with oneself, but unless we see that every relationship comes to us so that we can look deeper insides ourselves, we will miss the very essence of life. Every relationship takes us closer to the Divine inside ourselves. We will miss that if we pin the blame on the other person in the relationship. No matter what happened in the relationship, it was our choice that we stayed, our choice that we allowed, our choice not to speak up and finally our choice to walk away.
In walking away, I realized that I was still repeating a pattern of falling in love with a man’s potential and not who he was right now. We all have this fantasy lover that we believe will somehow make us whole. But when we project that fantasy onto an unworthy love match, we hang in there awaiting the imaginary partner to appear someday. They won’t, and we are kept in the longing for love stage and not experiencing the love we so deserve.
One of my favorite authors is Sandra Anne Taylor, who has a radio show on Hay House Radio. Lovelorn callers often ask her about love relationships. She tells them to ask themselves one question when it comes to love relationships “does this love honor me.” In your being, you will know the answer.
And so it is, yet another lover leaves and I thank God for my cat Rizzo, who is the true love of my life. Always cuddling up next to me, no matter how good or bad of a day I’ve had. We have weathered much together these past few years and with him as my constant companion, I am never lonely.
What’s next for me? I am the marketing and communications manager for a company that just merged with an Australian firm, taking horseback riding lessons, making new friends, working out and enjoying my life. And when a love comes a knocking next time, I’ll be even more conscious and better prepared to deal with my part in the dance of intimacy.