As the new 5D energies flood the earth and all its inhabitants, all indications are that we are now in a void time before our rebirth that is to happen sometime early in 2018. What we are to concentrate on is the final releasing of limiting beliefs, people and situations in our lives that do not honor us or hold us back from becoming who were are truly meant to be – enlightened beings.
Many situations that have been in the shadows on this planet are being uncovered. All the sexual harassment victims coming forward to the corruption in our government being exposed, the light is shining on these dark matters to heal them. This process is happening on a soul level as well. For many lightworkers your painful past may be coming up for its final release into the divine light. You must feel this pain to release it. So it’s not unusual to experience depression and sadness during this cleansing process. You must honor this path because it will lead you to your next rebirth.
For me, this past year has been the realization about how my painful childhood still affects many of my beliefs, behaviors, and reactions to the world. It wasn’t just my parents. It was also my siblings who I never really bonded with. Recently, my brother came to live with me and I realized through him that I grew up alone with very little love from my parents or my siblings. There was very little laughter, joy or togetherness in my family. However, I am grateful I survived it.
My parents did not love one another and it was quite evident they had very little in common. There was nearly two decades between them. My dad was 36 when they married. My mother was 18. My dad got my mother pregnant during her senior year in high school. They got married and nine months later my brother was born. I don’t think my mother bonded with him or showed him much love as he is devoid of any emotion, happiness, joy or anger. He has constant depression and has been diagnosed with dysthymia. My sister was born shortly thereafter and I don’t think my mother bonded with her either. We have photos of our childhood and those photos show a very unhappy woman. In them, my mother seemed depressed and disassociated with her children.
I am not sure but I suspect before I was born my parents were planning on divorcing. The reason being was that they did not want me. In fact, years later at the age of 12, my mother told me she wished I was never born and that they had tried to abort me. Just recently my brother confirmed that story for me when he came to live with me. He said my father told him they had tried to abort me and that they only wanted two children.
I felt so unwanted as a child, I often thought I was not my father’s biological child. So when my brother was here last year, we did a DNA test. For the longest, I didn’t want to be my father’s daughter. I imagined a loving father who doted on me, who said nice things. But alas it wasn’t to be. Much to my dismay, the DNA results showed that we were full brother and sister, which meant to me there was little explanation for my father’s hatred toward me growing up. Even my brother said “he really didn’t like you.” As a small child you take the blame for your parents not loving you. You just surmise you are not lovable. So to get that love, I became the “pleaser” in the family and that stayed with me for most of life, always trying to please others.
I suppose I was the closest to my mother as close as one can be to an alcoholic. But it was more about her than it was ever about me. It was always about how much she sacrificed for us kids. I had no idea what that meant. However, my parent’s famous line growing up was “children are to be seen and not heard,” and that pretty much described our childhood. We weren’t honored for who we were. I don’t remember my parents even discussing our career paths or dreams with us.
So, as an adult, I have carried that pain of not fitting in, not being wanted or loved, and not being honored or appreciated. In love relationships, in work environments, in social settings, I always felt like the outsider. Moving several times during childhood didn’t help the situation either. I attended five different grade schools, two different junior high schools and two high schools. Why we moved that much I do not know. Was it to appease my mother’s restlessness and unhappiness or was it to avoid bill collectors? Back in the 60s and 70s, they didn’t have credit bureaus who tracked your credit history. And several relatives of ours had done the skipping out on bill collectors, moving in the middle of the night. However, before my father’s death in 1974, the bill collectors must have caught up with them because some of our appliances were repossessed.
I did find some happiness outside of the home by joining the Brownies, Camp Fire Girls and Girl Scouts to be around normal happy families. And a year after high school, I joined the US Air Force to leave my painful past behind. But you can’t leave it behind. You carry those memories, those deep-seated feelings of being unlovable, unworthy and unloved wherever you go. And now decades later I am still addressing how my painful childhood has affected my entire life and many of my decisions and choices throughout my life.
No, I wasn’t sexually abused or physically abused. I was neglected. My parents never told me how smart I was or how beautiful I was. So I sought it out in love relationships. And years later in Manhattan when I was at the top of my career I sought therapy for a very dysfunctional love relationship. I found out that neglect is far worse than any kind of physical abuse because when children are being abused they are getting some attention from their parents. When children are neglected they feel unworthy of being loved at all.
So when my brother came to live with me after a very horrific divorce, his second, those old feelings came rushing back. During his stay, I realized I truly didn’t know my brother. My brother during childhood withdrew and I don’t remember ever having conversations with him. My sister, on the other hand, become a bully and another one of my abusers. We were all trying to survive my mother’s alcoholism and father’s absence. My father was on the road quite a bit as an auditor for a gas retailer in the Midwest until he lost his job in the early 70s. My mother was a stay at home housewife and mother. She was a good cook and housekeeper but fell short on the nurturing. She was dealing with her own misery and turned to alcohol – her coping mechanism and antidepressant.
My sister constantly acted out to get attention and she got most of it, while my brother retreated further into himself until he was nearly invisible. I, on the other hand, got out of the house. Talked to other parents and used my imagination of what a healthy childhood should have been.
So after my brother moved out this year, I got to sit with myself, my thoughts and my life right now. And I realized how I was still carrying all that pain that a dysfunctional childhood will bring. For a while, I sat in silence, in disbelief that after all this time, all this running away from relationships, from people, places and things, I still had not dealt with the pain that was hidden inside this beautiful green-eyed, blonde-haired girl. She deserved better from her parents and from her siblings. And I had to come to the realization that I was never going to get it. I was never going to get the loving parents nor the happy family that I deserved.
But I will be damned if I will let that hold me back from this point forward. I am letting it go. I am not going to let what happened decades ago to a sweet and innocent little girl affect the beautiful, talented and determined woman I have become.
I forgive my parents. I forgive my sister and brother. They all did the best they could do under the circumstances in which they found themselves. We all did the best we could and its way past time to stop letting my past determine my future.
Many lightworkers may be able relate to my story having had painful childhoods themselves. One’s in which they didn’t feel like they belonged. This pain from the past is coming up for you at this time so you can release it. However, in order to release the past, you must make peace with it. And then you must forgive not only others but yourself. You did and are doing the best you can.
Stay strong fellow lightworkers. May God bless you all this holiday season as many old memories will come up to the surface to be released. Namaste!